I’m lucky always to have had freedom of choice; my parents, the founders of one of the most reputable business training companies in Russia, never restricted me in my quest to understand and pursue happiness. Most people attain this freedom only once they have reached their adult years, after years of having to reconcile with the expectations of others.
These days, as I myself now work at my parents’ company, I most often find that the reason people go to see corporate trainers, or life coaches, or psychiatrists, turns out to be confusion, that their heads are filled with hindersome preconceptions and they lack a clear understanding of their own needs. That’s what tends to be the case with women. Most women show up with the same list of desires — a rich husband, a big house, not to have to work. Most of them don’t even have a clear picture of what the life of a Russian tycoon’s wife actually entails, and they don’t bother to acquaint themselves with what would actually make them happy. With a little luck and enough effort, these women could be in the same situation, living in one of those big houses, married to some wealthy, powerful man. That’s all great, if their preconceptions of this lifestyle happen to overlap with their actual needs and opportunities. If not, though, these women often grow unhappy, at times taking to drinking or pills, or else getting hooked on anti-depressants. And, of such unfortunate women, there are many.
One of the most important things is to find your own definition of happiness — not from a magazine, or from Mum and Dad, and definitely not from what everyone else thinks it is. For some people, happiness is defined by money, for others, it’s family; some people are happiest enjoying solitude, while others need to travel to Goa, or won’t be satisfied until they’ve conquered New York. And, only after an individual has defined all of the components of his or her own model of happiness, can appropriate goals and strategies be established. Only then can the person move forward. The quickest and most reliable way of doing this is with the help of a life coach or psychoanalyst, but it can be done on one’s own, through trial and error.
As for me, I chose the second option. Though it may have seemed that there was nothing to go elsewhere in search of — I had plenty of opportunities and reasonably accessible career options at home — I decided to move to the United States, to study and live. It was your typical, youthful rebellion, going against the values and experiences of your parents. In the States, I got my master’s degree in corporate finances and started working in an investment bank, before deciding to return to Moscow, where I started working for my parents. After a little while, I decided that I needed to do my own thing, that it was important for my accomplishments to be distinct from those of my parents. I didn’t just want to inherit their business, but to achieve success of my own, on my own. So I packed my bags and went to study sailing. In a few years, I was certified and opened a competitive sailing company of my own. We put on all kinds of races: international, domestic, professional, and amateur. But, about four years later, after growing up a bit, I found myself wondering about the meaning of life, about my aspirations, my mission. What’s it all for? I went back to my parents’ business, this time with a clear understanding of what I wanted and what I could contribute to the development of the business.
I had needed first to pass through a few stages of life, to gain some experience in entirely different spheres, in order to realise that a family business is not necessarily a burden, not just a cross I had to bear. I returned with the understanding that self-awareness is a rare and valuable achievement, and that guidance, when honest and professional, helps lead people to more awareness, fulfillment, and happiness in their lives.
Every morning, I promise myself that I will be happy, and I keep my word. My work brings me joy. None of my days are empty — each of them is filled with meaningful interactions, emotions, and events.
It is my conscious choice to be an active and successful woman, not to yield to compromise, and to realise my full potential. And yes, as for so many successful women I have come across, it is a challenge to find “the right man,” one who is ready to live with an active, successful, busy woman. Only after two marriages, and two painful divorces, have I been able to build a relationship that actually makes me happy.
I have a clear vision of what I want in a partner — success, accomplishment, masculinity. I want, as the saying goes, my husband to be my rock. Both of my marriages were to great, worldly men — wealthy, successful, influential.
One of the most important things is to find your own definition of happiness — not from a magazine, or from Mum and Dad, and definitely not from what everyone else thinks it is
And both men envisioned a wife who would stay at home and fulfill the role of housewife. In each instance, I attempted to explain that I require balance, a life including both work and family, both a business and a husband, that I want all of those components without sacrificing a piece. As it turned out, my explanations were to no avail. In response, I was told that the life I was imagining was some kind of utopia, that the bedrock of marriage can only be enjoyed from between the pillars of a cell. In each of my marriages, this discrepancy was cause for divorce.
So it’s very easy for me to understand those who hold this stereotypical, idealistic worldview, who follow it as if it is merely common sense, not suspecting that their own version of happiness may actually be contrary to this model. I was so sure that I needed a stable, serious, hardworking man to serve as my pillar, my rock. But it all worked out differently. These days, I’m with someone who brings me happiness. He is a creative who takes each day as it comes, who lives in the moment. He shares my goal of taking advantage of life’s pleasures, paying no mind to the black and white clichés of the world. We’re very different from each other, which allows us to respect each other’s space. Where we overlap is in our mutual understanding of happiness, in our mutual adoration, in our acceptance of each other, without the imposition of stereotypes. And, so it seems, this is what’s needed most to live a happy life in the modern world.
We don’t compete with each other, don’t butt heads over trivialities or constantly fight to be able to make our own choices. Our values neatly coincide, but our freedom of choice is personal and individual, as are whatever consequences may occur therein.